Title: Waking Up
Disclaimer: I don’t own them; E. George and BBC do.
Rating: High R. Implied sex, nudity, etc. NOT SMUT though…
Pairings: Lynley and Havers (L/H)
Spoilers: The most recent aired eps in the States (and I guess, the world…).
Summary: Waking up is easy. Dealing with who’s next to you may not be.
Notes: Angsty! Also posted on my deviantArt page. Feedback is teh lovez! I think I’m done now.
Lynley woke up to bright afternoon sun streaming into his bedroom window. Usually he didn’t sleep this long. There must be something wrong with him. He was surprised to find that he wasn’t alone in bed either. A sleeping female figure was next to him. Helen? he thought. But, no, it wasn’t Helen. Helen wouldn’t be coming back, unless you counted his memories. He looked under the covers to confirm what he thought. Yes, the both of them were not wearing any clothing. That probably meant one thing: he’d had sex with the woman next to him.
It was that moment that the woman next to him in his bed rolled over to her back. He gazed upon her face and realized that it was Havers. Barbara! he thought. What have I done? It was at that moment he started panicking. What does she expect of me? I can’t possibly be able to give her what she needs. She’s so perfect though. I can’t just leave; it’s my house. Not that I’d do that anyway. It would be mean. Only a bloody jerk would do that; and I definitely don’t want to be pegged as a bloody jerk. I probably already am for sleeping with her. Does she love me? Do I love her? Am I cheating on Helen? All of a sudden, Lynley had the scary thought of Helen coming back from the dead and questioning him about his relationship with Barbara.
While Lynley was pondering his future and the spirit of Helen, Havers started to wake up. She was in a very comfortable bed, with warm sun streaming in through the window. It had to be afternoon; the sun usually wasn’t this strong in the morning. Where the bloody hell am I? she wondered. It was then that she looked over to her left. There was a dark-haired man lying there. Lynley! she thought with panic. I slept with Lynley! Well, she’d slept with him before, but it was on his couch. Quite different than the bed. The memory started to come back to her now. We were kissing on the couch, and he led me upstairs. Clothes were removed, and some of the best sex of my life ensued. Yeah, that’s pretty much it, she thought. I’m so screwed when he sees me. He’ll hate me forever. I didn’t mean to sleep with him! How can we work together?
Lynley rolled over to his side, facing Havers. “Are you awake?” he asked softly.
“Mmmmph, yeah,” she answered.
“Are you ok?”
“I’m fine, if a bit confused,” she said.
“How so?” asked Lynley. “As far as I see it, we slept together.”
“I’m not confused about how,” she said. “I’m confused as to the why.”
“Why?” echoed Lynley. “Chalk it up to how we’ve been feeling about each other?”
“Chalk it up? There will be no chalking. What do you feel right now?”
“I feel a little confused. And I feel like I betrayed Helen.”
“You didn’t betray Helen,” said Havers with a smile. “She left you, remember?”
“Yeah. But I still feel her presence sometimes.”
“You don’t believe in ghosts, now do you, Tom?”
“I’m not sure what I believe.” He sat up in bed and swung his legs over the edge and stood up.
Havers looked away; seeing Lynley walk around casually without any clothes on wasn’t something she was ready for. He was gathering her clothes into a pile on the bed. It was nice of him to do that. But still, he was wandering around with nothing on. Havers squeezed her eyes shut. “Do you mind?” she asked.
“Mind what?” asked Lynley.
“Mind walking around with nothing on.”
He looked down. “Oh.” He went over to the dresser, grabbed a pair of shorts and put them on. “Better?”
Havers looked over at him. “Yes. I’m just not ready for that.”
There was another awkward silence while Havers arranged her clothes on the bed. She wasn’t really ready to get dressed in front of Lynley. Lynley took the hint and went into the bathroom.
As soon as he exited the room, Havers quickly got dressed. He came out about five minutes later, finding Havers dressed and sitting on the edge of his bed. He sat down next to her and put an arm around her. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. “What are we going to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know. You still have the rest of the day off. I suggest you go home and shower. I’ll do the same, and maybe we can go over the files.” He was all business, even though all he was wearing was a pair of shorts.
“Ok. I’ll do that. What time do you want me back?”
“Four. It’s about 2:30 right now.”
Havers stood up, but Lynley stopped her from leaving by grabbing her hand. “I’ll miss you,” he said, as he pulled her close to him in a hug.
Havers smiled. Lynley had a way of making her feel better. He wasn’t rejecting her. He was merely suggesting that she get cleaned up, which is what she wanted to do. She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. “I’ll miss you, too.”
His hands wandered down to the middle of her back. He massaged her slightly. “Move back, for a second,” he said. She complied, and he stood up. This time, he took her in for another hug, and kissed her on the lips lightly. She relaxed into the kiss.
Kissing him seems so god-damned natural, she thought. When the kiss was over, they both pulled away. She said, “I’ll be back at four, but I have to leave first.”
Lynley smiled. “Yeah, I guess you’d have to do that.” He walked her to the door and watched her as she left in her mini.
Lynley took a long, hot shower. He had to ponder what had just happened. Maybe the two of them could go for take-away at that Chinese place down the road. They could walk.
Havers coaxed her mini over to her apartment. She found a parking spot and walked up to the door. Grabbing the mail, she unlocked the door and went in. A shower and change of clothes was in order. She was thinking about having something to eat, but Lynley might have something in mind when she went back to his house.
Lynley was sitting on his couch, looking over the case files Havers had left. He wasn’t sure she’d meant to leave them, but if she had, he might as well take a look. He noticed right away a connection to a similar case in the States. Going to his computer, he looked up the news articles about a gang related to the infamous Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa. His body was never found, even when they dug up that farm in metro Detroit.
Cement shoes seemed to be a favorite of the mafia-type gangs and the union related gangs in Michigan. Maybe there was a connection, thought Lynley. Havers has a point there. He heard his doorbell go off, and headed over to open it.
While Lynley was going over the case files, Havers packed a bag. She figured she might as well, if she was going to be spending her free time over at Lynley’s. She’d need some clothes, toiletries, and a couple other things. She coaxed her little car back over to Lynley’s house, walked to the door, and rang the bell.
Lynley opened the door to a much cleaner Havers, who was carrying a gym-type bag. “Moving in?” he asked with a grin.
“I just thought…” Havers trailed off.
“No, it’s fine. It makes sense that you’d want some of your stuff here.”
“Where can I put it?”
“Just leave it in the bedroom. We’ll figure it out later.”
She went upstairs to the bedroom and put her bag down on the bed. She sat down on the edge of the bed and thought for a minute about her relationship with Lynley and where it was going. She was startled out of her thoughts when Lynley called up the stairs, “Are you ok? I was thinking of getting something to eat.”
“Sure, I’m a bit hungry,” Havers said. She went down the stairs, and Lynley was standing there with his house keys.
“Do you want to walk to the Chinese take-away down the street?”
“Sure. I’ve never been there. Do they have somewhere to sit and eat?”
“No, it’s just take-away. But it’s only about a five minute walk over there.”
They headed out for the Chinese place. Lynley looked over at Havers; she was walking with purpose. He was thinking about who would see them together, but then it dawned on him: it really didn’t matter. Havers was always around my house before. Why should it change now? He became bold at that moment, bolder than when he kissed her for the first time: he grabbed her hand as she walked next to him.
Havers looked down at Lynley’s hand. Is he doing what I think he’s doing? she asked herself. Yes, he is! Hand-holding now. She smiled up at Lynley. He was looking straight ahead. She walked beside him, pondering the implications of what he was doing.
They walked like that for the two blocks between his house and the Chinese place. He held the door for her; she went in. “What do you want, Barbara?” he asked.
“Uhm. I’ll have number two. Is that the special?” she asked to the man behind the counter.
“Yep, sure is,” he responded.
“I’ll have number three,” said Lynley, as he pulled his wallet out of his coat.
“Sir, you don’t have to pay for my food!” exclaimed Havers.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said as he paid for the meals.
The man behind the counter just smiled at the two of them.
They went over to the chairs over by the windows and waited for their food to be ready. They sat and didn’t say anything. Lynley wasn’t sure what to say. What do you say to your co-worker after you sleep with them? This was still a delicate subject for him.
Havers looked over at Lynley. He looked like he was deep in thought. Maybe he’s thinking about what to say to me. Maybe he’s thinking about how to apologize for what we did. Maybe he’s mad. Although, if Lynley was mad, his expression would be different. She’d seen Lynley furious, and she’d been exceptionally frightened about what he’d do. Like that time he almost threw that professor off of the balcony of that flat. She was truly frightened at that point; she’d even tried to drag him off of the man. Lynley was possessed at that instant. At that point, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked over at Lynley; he smiled.
Soon enough, their food was ready. It was in one plastic bag; Lynley grabbed it and Havers held the door for him. They walked in silence back to his house.
“Uhm, Havers? Could you hold this while I unlock the door?” Lynley asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she answered as she grabbed the bag.
They entered his house again, and Havers set the food down on the kitchen table. She was sorting it when Lynley asked her, “Barbara, what do you think of me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, do you think I’m a jerk for sleeping with you?”
“No. Why would I think that?”
“Well; I’m still hung up on Helen. She’ll always be on my mind.”
“I know that, Tom. You’ll let go when you’re ready, right?”
“So, what you’re saying is that you want to take it slow?”
“Yes, something like that.”
“How slow? We can’t back up now. I mean… we’ve been intimate.”
“That’s true,” said Lynley as he speared some of his chicken. “Do we want to back up?”
“Back up? What do you mean?”
“Like go back to where we were yesterday?”
“Well… I certainly don’t want to.”
“You don’t want to?” Lynley felt relieved. He didn’t want to go back to before they had kissed.
“No. I don’t understand why Helen left you in the first place. She didn’t know what she had.”
Lynley smiled. “How do you mean? She lost the baby…” he trailed off.
“Well, yeah, but you were there to support her! You didn’t run off to do your own thing or anything. Even after she left, you stayed around. You waited for her. That’s more than what I would have done for someone.”
“But I loved her. I still do. I think. I’m not sure.”
“What do you feel with me?”
“I feel… like I felt when I met my first girlfriend back in school.” Lynley sighed.
Havers looked down as she scooped rice. “So… I’m a crush?”
“You’re more than that. You’re a true friend.”
“So… I become a true friend by sleeping with you?”
“No! I mean…”
“If we’re more than friends, but less than lovers…”
Lynley looked down. He didn’t like the way this conversation was going. Havers didn’t get it. Well, maybe she did. Maybe he didn’t get it. Being pulled two different ways is hard on the heart. He sighed. “Havers. I’ve liked you for a long time. We’re friends. But, I’m not sure if I’m ready to change from a friendship to something more.”
Havers frowned. She looked at him; his eyes were on his food. “You’re rejecting me?” she asked with a small hitch in her voice.
“NO! Barbara! I’d never do that!”
“It seems like that’s what you’re doing.” She sniffed.
“Don’t cry! I didn’t mean…”
“I know exactly what you mean. I mean nothing to you!”
“NO! Barbara!” Lynley got up from the table and rushed over to her chair. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her teary eyes. “I’m NOT that guy! I’d never want to hurt you!”
“But you have, sir!” She spat that last word out.
“Havers,” said Lynley in his “boss” voice, “Stand up. Now.”
She was stunned that he’d talk to her like this now, but she complied. She was now standing at the table, and in front of him. He put a finger under her chin and pulled her head up gently so she was looking into his eyes. She sniffed slightly and tried to blink the tears out of her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her in a warm hug.
She wasn’t expecting a hug from him. She was expecting a reprimand or something. But, the hug reassured her of one thing: Lynley wasn’t rejecting her. He needed to go slowly with this new side to their relationship.
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